THIS POEM IS RELATED TO THE PARABLE OF THE LOST SHEEP.
As I wander far from my refuge,
I walk into a valley of darkness.
I start to panic.
I begin to call out for help,
But its feels as if my voice is mute.
I am lost.
I try to find my way back to the light,
But somehow, I tend to fall back into the dark abyss.
I hear a voice calling out to me,
But I just ignore it.
I am searching.
I need to change my ways.
I need to open my heart more widely.
I need to find my way back home.
I need help.
I am needy.
A voice calls out again.
I choose to finally listen.
I hear the voice say come home.
I see a bright light appear.
I walk into the light.
I am home.
Hi Sharmaine.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I'd like to say this rough draft is a good start. I can see 'you' in this poem and the allusion you made of the parable of the lost sheep was brilliant.
There are a few minor mistakes, however.
"But its feels as if my voice is mute." Change 'its' to 'it' in the first stanza.
In the second stanza: "But I just ignore it." I think it sounds better if you omit 'just'.
In the third stanza: "I need to open my heart more widely." Again, I think it sounds better if you omit 'more widely'. "I need help." In the three lines before that, it kinda clearly shows that you need help. I think it's best if you leave that out.
And the line after the third stanza that says: "I am needy." You used 'need' quite a few times in the third stanza. Use a different adjective. Ummm...how about 'dependent'?
Oh, and in the fourth stanza where it says: "I hear the voice say come home." 'Come home' should be in quotations since it's being represented by spoken language.
And that's it. Sorry for the long commentary. I enjoyed reading your poem. It had excellent detail and good word choice. =)
- Desiree
I can definitely see you in this poem. But I agree with Desiree with you saying "need" quite a few times. Using "need" just a few times would be good. But overall this poem is a good start
ReplyDeleteHi Sharmaine,
ReplyDeleteI agree with most of what your teammates have said. The poem is a good one and does a good job of helping your reader feel your sense of being lost and then found.
I think the repetition of "need" is good, and I also agree with Desiree's suggestion of changing the word "needy." I think, though, that, rather than "dependent" try for another word that will serve as a bridge between the "lost" section and the "found" part that follows. It might also word to delete that line entirely, too, I think.
My suggestion is that, both in the graphic and the poem, you somehow include a bit more that would connect to the Biblical story. Try to find words that would connect figuratively to the parable.
Great job!
mrs s